By: Christy DeGallerie
Happy Black History Month! I’ve abandoned this blog the same way I’ve abandoned punctuation and grammar rules for anything that I write. I have a special guest with us I’ve known him for quite some time now, yet he doesn’t want his name attached to this post, he said it will ruin his career. BG: Black guy, CD: Christy DeGallerie.
CD: Wait. Jesus, I have to be the one to start the interview, why do you and your comrades have to control everything?
BG: I’m — my comrades?
CD: Yes… Men.
BG: I didn’t mean to.
CD: How long have you been straight?
BG: Uhh I’m not sure, I think my whole life.
CD: So you’re not sure? So you may have been gay at one point in time in your life?
BG: I don’t think so.
CD: We’ll come back to that…Who’s your favorite Black person?
BG: There’s so many…
CD: Just give me one… It could be anyone, even someone sitting very close to you…never mind, are you aware of Black Twitter?
BG: Yes, I love it. It’s the best thing to happen to the internet.
CD: Mark Zuckerberg would disagree with that statement.
BG: Before or after he steals more land from Indigenous people.
CD: Whoa, you read woke news. Good for you… If you had to choose a way to go out–
BG: Go out? Like death?
CD: Yeah or even death of a career, the first one is pretty close to the gates of heaven, as close as one could get to while being alive… Would you rather get canceled, dragged and meme’d by Black twitter, or eat a handful of Carolina peppers every time a car honks outside your apartment.
BG: I live on a very busy street. It has to be all of those three things at once happening to me on Black Twitter?
BG: Oh man, I guess the peppers.
CD: Smart man, smart man.
BG: Are you also afraid of Black twitter?
CD: I embrace the fear though, It’s what you sign up for.
BG: So you mean like when you make a Twitter account the terms and conditions include rules about Black Twitter?
CD: You’re a Virgo.
BG: Am I?
CD: Yes according to what my team and I have gathered about you.
BG: You have a team?
CD: … I saw that you got into an online heated discussion with your cable provider recently. Was it hard to hold back your internalized misogyny while you were arguing with the woman who ran the account?
BG: Why are we doing this interview?
CD: I want America to see the everyday real Black man. You know?
BG: America? You have like 12 people that follow your blog.
BG: Why do you squint your eyes like that–
CD: –Like what?
BG: You squint after you repeat something or– you say ” You know” to try and make whatever you’re saying more serious.
CD: I don’t know what you’re talking about… What are you talking about?
BG: Ok sure, fine…You just did it again.
CD: Okay picture it’s the 90’s…If you had a younger sister and she ate the last piece of carrot cake that belonged to your mother but blamed you for eating it, which then led to you not being able to play Sonic on Sega Genesis for the rest of the night. Would you still hold a grudge about it to this day?
BG: That sounds super-specific. I had a sister that did that.
CD: Had? Hmm.
BG: She’s not doing too well, we’re estranged she has a blog.
CD: …Well, I think I have everything. Yeah, let’s wrap it up guys.
BG: Who are you talking to? It’s just us, and this interview had nothing to do with Black History Month.
CD: Well, I think you have a lack of context because this is history. Right here, this interview.
BG: Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding.
CD: Man, ******* I could’ve freed them all if they knew they were slaves.
BG: You need a doctor.
*The Black guy in the interview says that if I reveal him I’m not invited over for Thanksgiving dinner, ever again.