really bad taste in surveys

I finished queer eye and I had to rate it. 5 stars, duh. And even with the end of queer eye it still got me thinking about myself, about ratings and surveys.

You know when you unsubscribe from that online magazine romanticizing a diet of
non- orgasmic sex, pine nuts, and air? They ask for a survey before you go. You can’t just escape the commitment in peace, you have to tell them why. The big question is “ Tell us why you’re leaving” I am a real-life version of those online unsubscribe surveys we have to talk for several hours before you go because maybe at that moment I can manipulate you by having you sit there in silence and listen to me cry into your Ikea pillow, and you would be a monster if you asked someone to leave while they’re crying right? Now, there’s a chance we won’t have to break things off and change our relationship status on Facebook. I need to know why someone wants to end their relationship with me or why our friendship came to a devastating end even though I am well aware of the reason. Yes, I cheated and had a breakdown in the shower and refused to leave my boyfriend’s apartment back in 2010. Yes, I hooked up with all my friend’s siblings and stole their rich and powerful friends after THEY introduced me to them, but below, circle the that one best applies and In a few words or less just tell me why you’re fucking leaving. Please. Please?

1. Did you find a new friend/partner?
2. Did you find a cheaper date elsewhere?
3. Was I too needy?
4. Was your time spent with me a waste?
5. Would you ever consider coming back?
6. Didn’t recall signing up-Were you ever really involved or was this an accident?
7. Do you no longer want to receive emails and texts from me?
8. You did not find the jokes funny.
9. Another reason not specified here.
10. Overshared too often
11. Texts and emails were too frequent

I want to know which one of these reasons best fits your escape plan. But we’re not done I want you to leave your comments. I’ll give more than 40 characters don’t worry. After that’s all said and submitted, it will all be ignored and you’ll get an email one last time that says.

“ Are you sure you wanna go? Was this a mistake?”   

I’m in a healthy relationship now we don’t own each other, we think monogamy forever is a silly thing,  we share milkshakes, and cancel people but still secretly watch movies and tv shows from people who’ve been canceled. I’m learning a lot about relationships and how it should be easy with a few rough spots some bumps and cries but not painful not forced and not centered in harm and manipulation but maybe still some breakdowns in the shower because who doesn’t love a good dramatic cry and choking on tap water while Robyn’s Dancing On My Own is playing.

Thanks for reading I see the stats and I’m happy I’m thrilled you keep coming here to cringe. Eat that burger you want. Here’s my linktree to Support me and my work here and on the gram! 

Okay going to finish that book and stalk my ex my venmo because I’m blocked from every social network now see yaa! Thanks !

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