I watched another episode of Queer eye I don’t binge-watch the episodes in order I just pick a title that intrigues me and I hit play. This episode featured a woman, who had super long blonde hair, she hunted animals for food, she probably invented fire. I mean, cmon right? Fuck yes! HOT! That’s who I’m befriending during the zombie apocalypse. And let me put this out here now, if you live in a major city you are dying first, that is one thing Hollywood got right. New Yorkers I love you, but how many of us can we fit inside the bodega? Ya know? It isn’t gonna work.
I see her house and the animal heads on the wall and of course the camouflage, being a city slicker like myself I know what the “I have a gun on me” aesthetic looks like, It’s camouflage and police uniforms. ( you guys read through that sentence of me saying city slicker and I adore you for that even if you judged me this is a safe space for you to cringe. )
Let’s be REAL. Let’s hold ourselves accountable. Accountability has become the only overused word I’m not tired of hearing. I honestly don’t mind, it’s like a medium-sized word people just say to sound deep online but again, I’m not mad at it. Call me out white people this is your chance! Yes, I too have biases and indulge in stereotypes! I mean all the stereotypes for white people are pretty accurate. But I can’t deny It’s hard not to judge people, its internalized in all of us, my city slicker ignorance can’t help but assume that anyone hunting animals, living in trees with no electricity on PURPOSE can somehow hear the howls and cries about the 2016 elections and voted for Tr**p, or worse, whoever the fuck was on that ballot for Third party. I liked this episode and she reminded me of someone, and I was thinking about how I wouldn’t mind being this person’s only black friend. I’d learn a lot about deer and proper gun posture. And she’d learn a lot from me too, about Door Dash, memes, how vaccinations are good for you and the documentary about Fyre Festival. It made me think about my white friend, let’s name her Megan I don’t want to get in trouble. Ah fuck it that’s her real name.
So she drank beer out of a can taught me how to deep throat a banana. ( I know, a clever girl she was.) And we had the best of time, all the time. Then we became adults she moved to upstate new york with this random guy, I became a writer for a publication that hates me now, and she learned to hunt. We’d argue for months about the current political climate. I’d say ” ban guns” she’d say ” Fuck you, I need to eat dinner tonight.”
I’d say “Good point, valid.” I’d say “fine gun control” she’d say “fine just stop thinking I voted for Trump!” I said “Then tell me !! I need to know if my fucking friend that held my child two days after their birth didn’t vote against the rights of my whole fucking family.
And my voice starts to break a little and I am not a crier so I suck it up to lower my voice and I start over ” The rights for my whole family to live.” She pushes me outside in 20-degree weather grabs my hand walks me to the bottom of her steps and said softly in my ear “I voted for Hilary don’t tell my husband.” I know what you’re thinking.
This is a fucking sappy moment, the white friend and Black friend are going to be the cure to end racism. Get fucking Spielberg on the phone, call pedo Woody Allen if you have to, his freaky ass would eat this shit up! Greenbook part two baby! The scene jumps to the future and we’re 89 years old in our rocking chairs and the state makes some weird friendship bill named after us and we clank our drinks together which is actually Ensure, then the credits start rolling.
I wish life was that simple it’s not. I would know, you’re talking to someone who just ate a burger and is stuffed but still thinks there’s room in my stomach for 3 more. I went into her spare bedroom and stared at the ceiling. We texted back and forth occasionally checking in on each other. That woman from Queer Eye, with her camouflage, compelled me to text her today after what would be about a year of silence, ignoring her last text.
Me: Hey for the obvious selfish reason, when the zombie apocalypse happens would it be alright if I and all the black people I can find stay at your house and you can teach me how to crossbow? It may be awkward but Zombies don’t care about politics.
Her: Dude as reparations you can just have my house. I’ll feed my soon to be ex-husband to the pack.
Me: Reparations? Divorce? Woah! When do you have time to hunt, be forced to read Trump’s tweets as foreplay, read James Baldwin, read Instagram captions from Black activists and watch Girlfriends Guide to Divorce?
Her: What show is that?
Me: Oh no, quick! Have you heard of the app Door Dash and the doc Fyre Festival?
I can’t say for sure we are friends again, but this city slicker isn’t ashamed to say I will keep in touch with white people who wear camouflage to brunch. I appreciate that friendship even though it died in 2016 and is resting in the “resistance” and non-intersectional feminist peace. It opened my eyes to a new world of what complicity looks like who perpetuates it and how it has nothing to do with voting. You’re participation in white supremacy already voted against my best interests and my rights regardless of your choice on the ballot. It’s called white power for a reason and white liberals apply you can use it for good and fight those other white folks you say you’re nothing like or do nothing but read this blog. But without her, I wouldn’t have gotten this far in understanding the repercussions of white proximity when you don’t speak up.
Who has tissues? ! Who didn’t know I knew people who voted for Trump? You did? Of course, you did. Who really thought her name was Megan? You didn’t? It’s not. It’s Meegan.
I can’t promise the next blog post will not mention any Queer Eye. I just can’t promise that.
Cringe with me. Check out my weird personal audio diary ‘Broke with Benefits’ almost called city slicker in my linktree link. It’s about nothing but 5-10 minute rants and it will be the only thing I leave behind for my children. Support my work so I can educate you more on fyre festival! Happy Friday ! Eat that burger you want.